Acceptance

My life BEFORE my transition period.

When I started high school, I was quickly placed into the nerdy, un-cool, less than socially intelligent category, and was thus excluded from the “cool” social circles. I was, from the outset, never able to feel completely accepted. Like any exclusive club, the more I was shut out, the harder I worked to try to make myself worthy of acceptance. But to understand why I sought this among my high school peers in the first place, we must actually go back to my earlier childhood upbringing.

One traditional Asian value that my parents followed is what I call “NGA” - Never Good Enough. If I got a 98 on an exam, I’d be asked why I didn’t get the other 2 points. Then, on a later exam, if I actually got a 100, I would be told that I shouldn’t celebrate my achievement because the next exam was “right around the corner.” In other words, I was never able to feel that my achievement was acceptable. This iron-fisted upbringing may seem innocent enough (in that it encourages hard work), but it is a twisted and destructive traditional Asian value that put me, as a child, in a constant state of uncertainty about my value as a person, and whether or not I could be accepted for who I am.

These incidents casted a long shadow on my life, and my need for acceptance continued throughout high school, into college,and well into my late 20’s. All the way up, in fact, to my transition period. Throughout all those years, my eternal thirst for acceptance drove me to work excessively hard at gaining the acceptance of people around me, even from those who disrespected me. My need to feel accepted trumped everything else. In many ways, my work with FALLOUT CENTRAL (an Asian American Activist website), was an extension of that very need. I felt that if I did something to “fight for the community,” I would somehow gain the acceptance I so desperately yearned for.

My life AFTER my transition period.

After I completed my transition period, I no longer felt the overwhelming tidal wave of need for acceptance. I no longer needed the acceptance of everyone around me, and I certainly did not need to seek acceptance of others through the highly impersonal medium of blogging and podcasting, as was the case when I was producing the Fallout Central podcast. To my surprise, once this need for acceptance went away, I found that my writing changed, the tone of voice that comes out of my mouth on the podcasts started to change, and I now find myself producing the #1 most listened to podcast that is dedicated to the empowerment of the Asian American men. (click here for some statistics) But how did this need that I had suddenly go away? It took two things:

1. Feeling valued, in a romantic way, by women
2. Consistent, frequent, and regular contact with new female friends who love hanging out with me and respect me.

It was only after my transition period that I finally had these two things in vast abundance. I needed to feel valued, in a romantic way, by women. That’s what made me finally feel like a complete man. I once thought “if only I worked on my career…. then I’d be good with women.” But after climbing the corporate ladder, getting lots of bonuses, promotions, and raises, I still had no one. I then thought, “if I only had more volunteer/community service work, then I’d have more women in my life.” But after several years of community service work, taking on leadership roles, and adding a significant positive economic impact to my local community, I still had no woman in my life. The list went on– I worked tirelessly at improving many other areas of my life, and I reached high levels of achievement in all of them.

I’ve discovered that success with women breeds more success with women. As I continued to improve my skills with women, more and more women entered into my life, and the more competent I felt as a man. Being good with women, in the romantic sense, has been and continues to be the single most effective thing in my life to bring more romance into my life. It has also brought, in abundance, that ever so scarce thing that I’ve always sought: acceptance.