One reason why individuality is a no-no for Asian Americans

My name is William, and I’m an Asian American man who once had mommy issues.

My mom is a super-traditional Asian mother. In keeping with her super-traditional nature, she lives by a strict Confucian code of ethics. At the core of this value system:

* The morality of one’s superior shall always super-cede the morality of oneself.

This means that the judgement of what is right or wrong, and what is good or bad for you shall never be determined by you, but by your superior. In this situation, the things that I think are “good” or “bad” could never be determined by me. My mom would constantly impose her value system on me (she still does this to this day), and if I thought something was “good,” but she thought it was “bad,” then there was automatically something wrong with me. I would literally get my head bitten off for having a moral value that was different from hers. This could be something really simple, such as how I want to do my hair, and which kind of shoes I chose to wear.

Yesterday I talked about shoes as a general topic related to “expressing one’s individuality,” however, for most Asian American men, I realize that there’s a little more to “expressing” yourself. For many, there is a deep-seated need to seek the approval of their parents. In my case, I constantly sought the approval of my mom because I never had it. Ever. (note: my parents were divorced when I was young so I never knew my father). In a recent conversation, she finally came forward honestly and said that she would never, and will never 100% fully accept me as an individual. She went on to say that no mother, and no person on this planet should ever have to 100% fully accept another individual. Now, I don’t know about you guys, but my future children will never wonder if I 100% accept them or not.

I once had mommy issues because I once sought this kind of unconditional acceptance which I never had, and when I had that one crucial conversation with my mother and came to grips with what she said, I was ok. However, many Asian American men face the same issue, and it is merely a result of a clash between these two things:

1. The traditional Asian value (derived from the teachings of Confucious) that the older person’s value system super-cedes any value system created by the younger person
2. The contemporary American value that individual expression is what makes all of us special, and allows us to distinguish ourselves and get what we want out of life (women, money, friends, etc.).

This cultural clash caused much confusion for me in my life, and thus I, for the majority of my life, felt the need to not stand out, to not express my individuality by wearing clothing and accessories that I thought were cool, or even simply TRYING clothing and accessories that I thought were cool. Anytime I TRIED something new that didn’t conform to my mom’s value system, I would get yelled at and scolded. Anytime I tried to share my feelings about something, and those feelings didn’t conform to my mom’s value system, I would get yelled at and scolded. Anytime I tried to share with my mom why I thought a particular thing was cool, if it didn’t conform to my mom’s value system, I would get yelled at and scolded. So, it’s no wonder to me that I spent most of my life:

1. Not wanting to TRY new clothing and accessiories
2. Not wanting to TRY to do something that’s cool
3. Not feeling comfortable sharing my feelings, and taking a risk to say, for example, tell a girl that I’m romantically interested in her

The last one of these three was the most crippling one. However, when I turned 29, and I took my ABCs of Attraction 3-day bootcamp seminar, I learned how to take that risk, and express my romantic interest in a girl. I learned how to overcome that sexual anxiety and how to truly “be myself.” I recall countless love interests in my past saying, “just be yourself.” For women, since women generally have a higher emotional intelligence than men, I’m sure that this phrase is self-explanatory. However, for me, being the dumb guy that I once was, “just being myself” was a phrase which I simply did not understand. Since I couldn’t “be myself,” there was no way in hell I could express my romantic interest in a woman. Thanks to the lessons I learned with the ABCs of Attraction, this is no longer an issue, and I can freely express myself in any way I choose. I can take those risks, and be completely comfortable doing so. You will never be able to connect with a woman if you are unable to take a risk– a risk that your ego will be shattered. The ABCs of Attraction can provide you with one possible way to deal with this.

Do you think I’m full of shit? Contact me and let me know what you think.