Self-Imposed Barriers: I can’t talk to her because…

My life before the transition period.

About five years ago, I attended a large-scale get together thrown by M. and E. They were such great folks to hang out with, and they had a really great track record for throwing lavish parties with lots and lots of people and great music. They figured out how to pick the best venues too! So, one day, back in 2003, they threw a party at Zanzibar lounge in hell’s kitchen (New York City). I’m not sure what the place is like nowadays, but it was really cool back then. At that time I knew with every fibre in my body that I had basically zero social skills and that I totally sucked with women. However, I still wanted to at least try to go past my comfort zones and be brave enough to at least say “hi” to someone. (Yes, it is indeed sad that just saying “hi” to a girl that I didn’t know was something I considered extremely brave.)

Now, this was an extremely nerve wracking experience. Here I am, a guy who is practically paralyzed with fear whenever I am within a 3 foot radius of a pretty girl, and I’m trying to somehow socialize normally with them just like everyone else. I still remember that day so clearly, even now, 5 years later. I saw one girl that I was attracted to from across the room, and I proceeded to go over and say “hi” to her. After taking about 1 step in that direction, I quickly turned, went in a different direction, and just sat down on a bar stool. I had somehow decided, in the course of those 2.5 seconds that:

She probably wouldn’t be interested in talking to me
She probably had a boyfriend
She’s out of my league

There were others, but these are the first three that took me over at that particular moment when I was about to approach that one girl. I still remember what she looked like even now, years later, and I only have a memory of a 2.5 second glimpse of her on that day. Whenever I’m in a highly adrenalized state, I tend to remember things VERY clearly, long after the event has passed. Anyway, The first thought, that she probably wouldn’t be interested in talking to me, was a pretty prevalent in my mind during those years. I know now that this is merely a fig-newton of my imagination, but at the time, it was so present in my mind that it actually was real to me.

She probably has a boyfriend? I really have no idea where this one came from either, but this was also at the forefront of my mind on a pretty frequent basis. As you can see, I was full of reasons why I shouldn’t try to step outside of my comfort zones and try to meet a girl. Even though I was pretty sad, depressed, and lonely during those years, I was able to feel comfortable in the predictability of not talking to new girls. Not talking to them was very predictable– I’d see someone that I really was attracted to, come up with some reasons why I shouldn’t talk to her, and then go back into the recesses of my mind and comfort myself in the predictability of this extremely un-fruitful routine.

Now, this was different from the way that I behaved with my female friends. Finding and accumulating female friends, socializing with them, organizing get-togethers with them (pictionary, taboo, and scattegories) was something that I was really good at. I was so good at getting into the friend zone with girls that I really could have wrote several instructional books on how to do be a girl’s best friend. I had about 30+ female friends at any one point in my life. Some of them floated in and out of my life as they got hooked up with boyfriends, but I always found a way to seek out new friends. Many of the female friends that I met were through introductions from other friends, as well as through the many hobbies that I have, including Swing dancing, which I still enjoy doing.

When talking to female friends, I didn’t have to face any kind of embarrassment of any kind. Nothing was on the line– no emotional investment whatsoever. We would just hang out and enjoy each other’s company, and it was absolutely wonderful! Some of these ladies are still in my life (most of them are married with kids at this point), but they are people that I would trust with my life simply because of the vast number of experiences we’ve shared and the vast number of years that we’ve known each other. Some people don’t have friends like this in their lives, and I’m really glad that I’m not one of them.

For whatever reason, though, if I was romantically interested in a girl, I simply couldn’t bring myself to talk to her. I said, “I can’t talk to her because…” so many times with so many various reasons that it simply amazes me when I look back on those days.

My life after the transition period.

After I took my ABCs of Attraction bootcamp, things started changing in my romance life, for the better, in a real tangible way. Those days of getting sweaty palms, heart palpitations, and that dreadful not-so-confident and highly-nervous voice whenever I was around a girl that I was attracted to are dead and buried. That part of my life is nothing but a faded memory. In the list of 6 things that I learned how to do during my transition period, one of the items there is “how to approach girls any time of day and talk to them.” Such a simple life-skill that so many men (who are already naturally good with women) enjoy in their day to day lives was a completely alien idea to me– I simply had no idea how to do this.

Each of the mental barriers I had put up for myself– she’s probably not interested in a guy like me, she probably doesn’t like Asian guys, she probably has a boyfriend– all of those barriers were knocked down, and were proven to be false… over, and over, and over again. I assumed so many things about girls back in those days, that I practically gave myself no choice but to be alone. My outlook after having gone through my transition period is completely different.

My outlook started to change on the first night of my bootcamp. There I was, the same shy, timid guy that was paralyzed whenever he was near a pretty girl. The only difference on that day was that I was 5 years older than the guy in the first part of this blog post, and I had just finished a 4 hour class with the Asian Playboy on body language, voice projection, emotional expressiveness, facial expressions, how to approach girls, how to banter with girls, and how to enjoy a normal conversation with a girl. So, I walked right over to her.

What was once “She’s probably not interested in me” became “I’m going to go over there and find out if she’s interested in me.”

What was once “she’s probably has a boyfriend” became “I’m going to go over there and find out if she has a boyfriend.”

What was once “she’s out of my league” became “yeah, she’s probably out of my league, but I’m still attracted to her, and I’d like to find out if there might be some chemistry between us.”

I don’t provide details about my romance life on the internet anymore, but it’s suffice to say that we connected with each other on many, many levels. Many levels